That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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