my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He passed out mid-signature
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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