he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
