Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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