I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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