There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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