Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He better not be in your backpack
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
