well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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