hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
