so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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