Taylor Swift is so right about you.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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