if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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