I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm passing your future prison.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
