nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
