His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
