I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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