They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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