you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
