I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
