hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
