I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
