And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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