True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
