Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
