I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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