Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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