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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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