I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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