i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
