If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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