Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
