I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
