I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
