I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
