And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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