considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
