The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
