I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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