I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
