i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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