I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
