This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize