After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
