That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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