Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize