so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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