matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
