I think scott just propositioned me for sex
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
