based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
