This girl is more easily done than said...
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
