so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
