Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
