Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
