Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
