She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Randomize
