Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
50% drunk capacity currently
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
