Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
