i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
