Duck Duck Cougar?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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