The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
