Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
