I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Randomize
