The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
