i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize