I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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