my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
