is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
