Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
