She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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